how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
