Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize