i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
