Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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