Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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