so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
