How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
