My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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