Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
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