Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize