Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
