i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
