Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
