Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
