I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
