A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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