John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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