My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
