I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize