Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
