I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
