eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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