I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
