hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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