how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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