so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize