Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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