I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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