I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
