Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
