The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
