I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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