If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
