take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
