You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
