iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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