you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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