So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
