I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
