If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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