I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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