There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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