My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
