would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
