last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
