Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So vagazzling was a success
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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