Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
