Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
