I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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