Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
