i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
