I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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