The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
