I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
